Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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