you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
