3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.