My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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