So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Vodka?
Forever.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
