I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wanna passion pit in your ass
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
