i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
