Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
