Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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