Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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