I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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