he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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