The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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