Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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