at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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