I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
There r osticjed everywhere
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
