highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
