All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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