On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
