i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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