I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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