dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
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All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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