i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
