She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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