I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
