Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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