Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
