I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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