How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Did I show you my penis last night?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
