you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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