Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
