you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
