Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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