I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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