So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
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Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
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Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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