I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
