Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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