She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
