Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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