Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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