just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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