When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
