Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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