I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
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