When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
