i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
