I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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