bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
