I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
