I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
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Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
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He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I did not marry a roomba.
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