Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
