i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
