I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
