best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
