Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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