We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I want to be your penis for a week.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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