My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
