I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
