her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He shit in the fireplace
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
